Bar Stool Critic

The Bar Stools I've Seen (a bar stool critique from a drinker's perspective) In response to a genial critique of the bar stool design that we were forced to endure the other night at a local tavern, the gentleman next to me replied with a scoff, "you seen one barstool you seen 'em all." Now, I don't know this fellow from Adam, but I can tell you with confidence that a sack of hammers might have more to offer by way of sharpness. There's a lot more to a barstool than what meets the rear, especially if you plan on planting that rear for the better part of an afternoon. As someone who spends a good deal of time on these corner-pub perches contemplating my next cocktail, I fancy myself something of an authority on the matter.

The Great Big Nos

A significant number of butts are round. Far too many barstool designers fail to take this ubiquity into account. Indeed, unless you're aspiring to mat and frame your posterior, the pancaking effect of hours on a perfectly flat slab of wood (or worse, metal) does favors for no one. All I ask for are some subtle contours, a little concave yielding to my spherical can.

News Flash: Wicker Sucks!

Abandoning all the technological advances of the past centuries in favor of furniture made of synthetic sticks and plants seems to me an idea worthy of ridicule. I'm all for resourceful, sustainable, biodegradable furniture, but is too much to ask that my barstool not prod, scratch, and otherwise antagonize my flesh as I attempt to enjoy a pint of ale? Let's keep the wicker in the beach cabana where it belongs- a suggestion doubly called for in the case of "island bars" in locales outside a 100-mile radius of any noteworthy body of water.

The Four Cardinal Directions (for a well-designed bar stool)

• Footrest- Given the notion that many bar patrons are there to relax, this feature seems a no-brainer. But alas, it is often absent. If I cannot comfortably place my feet flat on the floor, I demand some form of intermediary object to support my feet- if not a footrest, a bar foot rail or ottoman perhaps. I do not want to feel as though I am riding bareback with my feet a-dangling as I sip my single malt.


• Swivel- Once again, I do not seek the refuge of the bar with the desire to exert unnecessary effort. When compelling scenery passes by, I like it when my barstool assists me in enjoying the view. An effortless swivel seat invariably surpasses a tortuous contortion of the body as means to gobble up eye candy.


• Cushioning- If hard seats = bad, then a quantum leap is not required to conclude that soft seats = good.


• Other Rests- As for armrests and backrests, the logic follows that of the footrest. In other words, yes please. If I sought the bar for reasons other than relaxation, I would ask that you pry the appletini from my hand and replace it with a double espresso. If I wanted stimulation, I would charge my vodka with energy drink, wrap myself in glow accessories, and rave until the wee morning in an abandoned warehouse. If your establishment does not fit this description, please provide seating that holds me in place as I order another. In fact, if possible, please provide a headrest.